A Constant State Of B&W

4/14/2019


I was roughly 9-years-old when I realised that nothing truly mattered. I was walking across my school yard with the entire class and teacher, and I distinctly remember thinking "I could run up to that fence and slam my forehead against it until I am covered in blood and dizzy from it, nobody would even notice. It doesn't matter. This doesn't matter. It isn't real." I was having one of those sensations that usually occur after a sleepless night or too much cold medicine or, as I grew older, the sensation after too many tequila shots, when everything seems like it's happening through a cloudy sheet. You aren't there, it's like watching a 80's TV show without fully paying attention. Blurry and foggy. I went home that day and waited for the feeling to go away, but it only seemed to fade. Some days were worse than others, and I was confused as I thought the saying went the other way.

I aged, and waited for my life to get better. To truly feel the things that were there or happening. Alive, I waited to feel alive. I did high risk things, and nothing. I hurt myself but it always felt fictionalised. The pain wasn't even real. I squeezed. prodded, hit, and cut myself but it felt as though I was doing a practical joke on myself. I acted shy and brave and everything in between but nothing was truly sinking in. I would lay awake at night, my duvet feeling almost too heavy, going over everything that happened that day but only seeming to detach myself further from it. I wrote in my journals, but I could never differentiate between what had happened and the things I thought I had experienced. Everything seemed brighter when looking back, but when there, it felt dull. Faded. I could no longer tell when I was telling the truth or lying.


I got even older.

My favourite memories with loved ones have always been the ones where we're reminiscing about the past together. I'm never in the moment, and it's bothering me. When we're discussing these past times together, it almost helps add another layer to my own memory proving that it all wasn't just a dream. I can never remember how I felt, so I allow others to help me define my own emotions at that time. It's all an idea, and I'm no longer sure whether it's mine or someone else's. I'm fickle. and easily moulded. They tell me what that I am, and I believe. Good or bad.

I do these important things that truly impact my life, but it always feels as though nothing matters as it isn't real. I keep waiting to wake up in the past or future, not knowing how I got there. I'm loved but am still waiting for the feeling to get inserted. It's as though my life is entirely built of fragments and not any of them really matter, expect sometimes they Aline and everything has suddenly changed without me realising it. I try and get it in my head, but I always come up short. My heart gets broken or fulfilled, and I have the same outcome. Nothing makes sense.

It feels as though everyone else is experiencing life with a much brighter ink, and I am left behind in my hazy black and white, accepting that this is how it ought to be.

I had therapy, but I didn't want to be a bother. She liked me, asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. I tried therapy again, and she confirmed that nothing is wrong after I ticked a "I'm fine" box too many times on a basic paper. How would I tick anything else, when I was too embarrassed to say these non-logical thoughts to a woman who had on a wedding ring and spoke of her young daughters? She would laugh at me. And I would be left asking when it would matter?

I moved, changed my life, but nothing. I cry, laugh, sob, smile, and nothing sinks in.

When will it? I feel as though I will always be asking.. when will it?


*Eva NYC Chameleon Temporary Color Spray | REVIEW

4/09/2019


I recently got sent the #BossBabeVoxBox from Influenster with an array of products to test and review on their site. But when I saw the Eva NYC temporary colour sprays, I knew I wanted to also review these bad boys on here. I've tried a few "temporary" colour sprays in the past and very few have impressed me, and I think they're a product that a lot of us are reluctant to try in fear of it either staining our hair or not washing out as the can promises. I know I'm personally terrified of becoming one of those horror stories where someone did the brave act of trying to colour their hair something fun, only to end up with no hair whatsoever. Unlikely? Yes, but if you've gone down that rabbit hole on Youtube, you know the terror.

Anyhoo, here's my speedy review of the pink and blue colour sprays that me and my husband tried. Spoiler: One was good, one was invisible.

The process was easy enough. Making sure to cover the skin surrounding the hair you're colouring, you shake the can thoroughly and then spray. Voila! Easy!

Okay, so maybe I'm just not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I chose to use the pink spray on my auburn hair. I was aiming for an almost ombre effect. But as shown in the image, there is literally no colour pay off. It just lightened the ends of my hair into a richer red. After finishing, I figured it was a colour mix match but after looking online at other peoples reviews, many have a similar hair colour and they got a decent pink result. What's occurring? Is my hair just really stubborn or did the spray hate me? Who knows. 



At the time, I was blaming the spray and felt a bitter pang of disappointment, but we went ahead and used the blue on my husband's black hair expecting the worst. Alas, his came out a vibrant blue. "Huh, I thought." must just be the pink that's a fail, so I went ahead and tried the blue on a strand of my hair.. still no takers. 

Now I'm almost positive that my hair was the issue and not the sprays. As pictured below, my husbands was a rich colour that took really well. I washed mine out that very same night, not feeling all too happy about the hairspray feeling it gave. But he decided to deal with the icky feeling to see how well it lasted overnight. What a champ.




Upon sleeping on it, he noticed a slight fading and a smurf-like forehead. One huge negative of these sprays is most definitely the transfer problem. It will get everywhere the entire time it is in your hair. If you so much as tap your fingertips against the sprayed strands, you'll come away with coloured fingers. My hairbrush is now officially a pinky blue colour, and we're lucky that our bed sheets are blue. But they do wash out of your hair pretty easily, so.. yay?



All in all, they're cool if they work on your hair but feel terrible and will transfer all over you. I think the only time you'd find yourself reaching for these would be if you're going to a rave-type setting (totally how cool people would describe that), Halloween, or one of those colour festivals. Otherwise I think they're too much of a faff for the payoff you get.

Have you tried temporary colour sprays? Have any recommendations? Let me know!


This review was all over the place, but I thought it could be interesting and I've now spent too much time writing it up to leave it in the draft folder to gather online dust.

*As stated above, these sprays were gifted to me by Influenster. All opinions are my own.

Gluten Free Banana Bread | RECIPE

4/07/2019









Being a household who tend to purchase bananas with every big grocery shop, we often have a few over-ripped fellas hanging at the bottom of our fruit bowl. And when we aren't freezing them for future smoothies, I make a loaf of banana bread for either my husband or his mother and aunt. It goes down well, and it's really easy. But his father is gluten-free and is often left out of "please take this banana bread!" situations. When I looked online for gluten-free recipes, it was a black hole of different ingredients, things we'd never have in our food cupboard, and odd quantities with negative comments. So I sorta kinda winged it and after one failed attempt, I came up with this recipe which is the closest tasting to the non-gluten-free version I could make. The only difference being the smell as you mix, but who really stands around sniffing the mixing bowl? .. Well, besides me. Apparently.

I N G R E D I E N T S

2 CUPS GLUTEN FREE FLOUR (I use Bob's Red Mill Gluten-Free Flour)
3/4 CUP BROWN SUGAR
2 TSP BAKING SODA
1/2 CUP UNSALTED BUTTER
2 EGGS
2 + 1/2 LARGE BANANAS or 3 MEDIUM (the darker, the better)
1 TSP CINNAMON
1/2 TSP SALT

P R E P:
Preheat oven to 350F/177C/Gas Mark 4

M E T H O D

STEP ONE: Sift your flour into a large mixing bowl, add in your salt, cinnamon, and baking soda. Give it a mix.

STEP TWO: In a different bowl, cream together your brown sugar and butter.

STEP THREE: Into your butter/sugar mixture, stir in your eggs and pieces of banana. Personally, I add the banana with my (CLEAN!) fingertips so that I can squish it into small chunks as I do. It helps make the finished product moister than I think it does when, say, mashing the banana with a fork. But if it grosses you out, go ahead and roughly slice the bananas beforehand.

STEP FOUR: Combine the wet mixture with the dry, stir until you can no longer see lumps of flour.

STEP FIVE: Bake for 45 minutes. Insert a toothpick into the centre of the loaf, if it comes out entirely clean, remove from oven. If not, leave in for an additional 5 mins. 

STEP SIX: Enjoy!



For serving I'd strongly recommend having it with a foamy cup of espresso, but if you tend to find loaf cakes dry, I'd say cover a slice with custard or some yummy chilled ice-cream. For a breakfast option, toast a slice and smoother with creamy peanut butter. If you have a diet (like me) of a 7-year-old cover a slice with a thin amount of cream cheese frosting and indulge.

What your go-to baking item? I'd love to know, and if you'd like a non-gluten-free version of this, just let me know! 


15 Books I'd Banish Forever

4/04/2019


Last week I uploaded 'The 30 Books I'd Keep | The Marie Kondo Challenge' and it was fun, so much so that I decided to do the exact opposite. This list consists of 15 books I hated with a passion, and thus I would appreciate them vanishing forever. Okay, a bit harsh. Some I just really didn't like. Please don't take anything personally if your favourite books are on here, reading is diverse and we all have our own opinions. That's the fun part. This is once again a collaboration with Bill aka: my husband. Go check out his post on SomewhatNerdy.
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[1] Lord of the Flies
by William Golding
Yay for unpopular opinions!? I hated this book, and I didn't even have to read it in school. Not only was the plot a lost cause, but the characters were all so insufferable that I couldn't care less who died or survived. This felt like a badly written attempt at trying to write children in a modern world, and trying to make their savagery plausible in the most unlikely of ways.
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[2] The Ocean at the End of the Lane
by Neil Gaiman
This was the first Neil Gaiman book I read and to be perfectly honest, it put me off picking up his other work. I just didn't get the whole spiel he was going for. The story itself was too weird and I really can't think of one character that stood out to me. It was a jumbled mess. My husband on the other hand enjoyed it, so I think this is more of a case of personal preference. Either way, I'd happily get rid of it. Sad though, because the cover is quite striking.
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[3] Annihilation (Southern Reach, #1)
by Jeff VanderMeer
What the flipping fudge? I picked this up quite soon after the trailer for the movie got released as it sounded really interesting. I hadn't read much sci-fi prior to Annihilation, so the prospect of a group of women kicking ass seemed promising. But.. I'm still not sure what I read. It was so description heavy that I failed entirely to understand the actual plot. And *semi spoiler ahead* the movie trailer ruined what I guess was meant to be the twist at the end of the book..? A huge mess.
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[4] A Wrinkle In Time
by Madeleine L'Engle
This was one whole mess that I don't think kids could understand let alone me, a 22 year old woman. It was too wacky for my liking, and though the movie was semi enjoyable, I would never ever want to reread this childhood classic.
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[5] The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
by Stephen King
We're getting quite controversial here, aren't we? I picked this up as it was short, and as I do the "Popsugar Reading Challenge" it fitted a prompt. I don't know whether it's due to my utter disinterest in sports, but this whole book fell flat for me. The characters annoyed me, the plot was questionable at best, and the quirky twist at the end just didn't make up for the other problems. I'm sure King's other work is remarkable, but this is entirely skippable.
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[6] Animal Farm
by George Orwell
I read it, I got the hidden messages, but it just didn't enjoy myself while reading it. And that's okay. I think when it comes to classics such as these, it can be really hard to admit that you just didn't like them because they're layered and almost a "Well, you aren't meant to enjoy this. You're meant to appreciate it." situation. I don't know, if Animal Farm was released now, would people really still love it, or would it be seen as weird and too try-hard?

[7] Pure
by Rebecca Ray
I mean, this is the definition of a bad YA contemporary that attempts to deal with mental health but instead glorifies cutting and dysfunctional relationships Lolita-style. Nah, hard banish.
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[8] Looking For Alaska
by John Green
I have read almost all of John Green's books, and this was by far the worst. His writing style and characters are always a hit or miss for people. He writes the type of book that people would of loved during the whole Twilight craze, and though I appreciate some depressive content and poetic dialogue as much as the next YA fan, Looking For Alaska was a definite miss. The characters were insufferable and Alaska was the most unrealistic pixie-dream-girl ever.

[9] Midnight Sun
by Trish Cook
This is a popular trope in the YA genre, you know, dying girl who falls in love. I have read a fair few of them, but Midnight Sun was as implausible as it was annoying. The dialogue between characters was ridiculous, the author was trying to make the main character way too quirky and likeable, and her father was the epitome of very unrealistic YA parent. All around terrible book.


[10] All The Bright Places
by Jennifer Niven
This had been known as the ultimate book regarding teenage suicide between YA book fans.. But what the heck? The characters were as idiotic as they were unrealistic and the suicide story line was practically a case of 13 Reasons Why but without proper reason. I hated the way that 'love set us free' was practically the motto for this abysmal contemporary novel. No.. just, no.

[11] Outlander
by Diane Gabaldon
Yay, a controversial one again! Outlander is a well loved historical fantasy series that seems to have 35 books. The first one just pissed me off something royally. So we're following Claire, a strong-willed feminist or whatever, as she travels back in time and comes to terms with living there. From the rape, abuse, to the characters who were d'bags that we were meant to forgive because of the time period/their past. I was royally disappointed and my saltiness over it made me put it on here. No regrets.

[12] The Killer Inside Me
by Jim Thompson
You know those horror movies that involve rape and it leaves you with that icky feeling in the pit of your stomach, this is book form of that and not even in an entertaining way. It felt like torture porn disguised as a thriller/crime book. Nah.

[13] Breaking Dawn
by Stephenie Meyer
Some people might put the entire series that is Twilight on this list, but I personally appreciate them for introducing me to a whole new reading genre. Breaking Dawn, however, was terrible. What a tragic way to end the series, and it doesn't even have a unhappy ending, it was just pure.. bad writing. I hated vampire Bella and the big fight that didn't even happen in the book. Nessie was a mess of a character that screamed weird. No.. just no.
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[14] Gone Girl
by Gillian Flynn
Much like Twilight with the YA genre, Gone Girl was the start of a huge thriller takeover. Pick up any newly released thriller and it will likely have a blurb that includes the words Gone Girl. And though I didn't despise this Gillian Flynn book, I didn't love it either. So why do I want it to banish? Hold onto your hats for my non-popular option.. I think this didn't do the genre justice. Imagine if Final Girls or The Death of Mrs. Westaway was the book that went viral.. how high our standards would be if they weren't defined by domestic thrillers?
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[15] Everything, Everything
by Nicola Yoon
Another popular YA contemporary? Yup. It was a difficult choice to decide whether I wanted to include this on here as it hard potential. The overall story was interesting and it did put its own twist on the 'dying girl' plot. I saw the twist coming pretty soon, but if I had read it when I was younger, I probably wouldn't. The thing that bothered me about this was the love story. It was the epitome of insta-love and I just can't hack that anymore. Especially when the main character is willing to literally DIE just the have a relationship. Ph-lease.
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So, there we have it. What books do you wish had never come into your life? Let me know!


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