A Constant State Of B&W

4/14/2019


I was roughly 9-years-old when I realised that nothing truly mattered. I was walking across my school yard with the entire class and teacher, and I distinctly remember thinking "I could run up to that fence and slam my forehead against it until I am covered in blood and dizzy from it, nobody would even notice. It doesn't matter. This doesn't matter. It isn't real." I was having one of those sensations that usually occur after a sleepless night or too much cold medicine or, as I grew older, the sensation after too many tequila shots, when everything seems like it's happening through a cloudy sheet. You aren't there, it's like watching a 80's TV show without fully paying attention. Blurry and foggy. I went home that day and waited for the feeling to go away, but it only seemed to fade. Some days were worse than others, and I was confused as I thought the saying went the other way.

I aged, and waited for my life to get better. To truly feel the things that were there or happening. Alive, I waited to feel alive. I did high risk things, and nothing. I hurt myself but it always felt fictionalised. The pain wasn't even real. I squeezed. prodded, hit, and cut myself but it felt as though I was doing a practical joke on myself. I acted shy and brave and everything in between but nothing was truly sinking in. I would lay awake at night, my duvet feeling almost too heavy, going over everything that happened that day but only seeming to detach myself further from it. I wrote in my journals, but I could never differentiate between what had happened and the things I thought I had experienced. Everything seemed brighter when looking back, but when there, it felt dull. Faded. I could no longer tell when I was telling the truth or lying.


I got even older.

My favourite memories with loved ones have always been the ones where we're reminiscing about the past together. I'm never in the moment, and it's bothering me. When we're discussing these past times together, it almost helps add another layer to my own memory proving that it all wasn't just a dream. I can never remember how I felt, so I allow others to help me define my own emotions at that time. It's all an idea, and I'm no longer sure whether it's mine or someone else's. I'm fickle. and easily moulded. They tell me what that I am, and I believe. Good or bad.

I do these important things that truly impact my life, but it always feels as though nothing matters as it isn't real. I keep waiting to wake up in the past or future, not knowing how I got there. I'm loved but am still waiting for the feeling to get inserted. It's as though my life is entirely built of fragments and not any of them really matter, expect sometimes they Aline and everything has suddenly changed without me realising it. I try and get it in my head, but I always come up short. My heart gets broken or fulfilled, and I have the same outcome. Nothing makes sense.

It feels as though everyone else is experiencing life with a much brighter ink, and I am left behind in my hazy black and white, accepting that this is how it ought to be.

I had therapy, but I didn't want to be a bother. She liked me, asked me what was wrong, I said nothing. I tried therapy again, and she confirmed that nothing is wrong after I ticked a "I'm fine" box too many times on a basic paper. How would I tick anything else, when I was too embarrassed to say these non-logical thoughts to a woman who had on a wedding ring and spoke of her young daughters? She would laugh at me. And I would be left asking when it would matter?

I moved, changed my life, but nothing. I cry, laugh, sob, smile, and nothing sinks in.

When will it? I feel as though I will always be asking.. when will it?


*Eva NYC Chameleon Temporary Color Spray | REVIEW

4/09/2019


I recently got sent the #BossBabeVoxBox from Influenster with an array of products to test and review on their site. But when I saw the Eva NYC temporary colour sprays, I knew I wanted to also review these bad boys on here. I've tried a few "temporary" colour sprays in the past and very few have impressed me, and I think they're a product that a lot of us are reluctant to try in fear of it either staining our hair or not washing out as the can promises. I know I'm personally terrified of becoming one of those horror stories where someone did the brave act of trying to colour their hair something fun, only to end up with no hair whatsoever. Unlikely? Yes, but if you've gone down that rabbit hole on Youtube, you know the terror.

Anyhoo, here's my speedy review of the pink and blue colour sprays that me and my husband tried. Spoiler: One was good, one was invisible.

The process was easy enough. Making sure to cover the skin surrounding the hair you're colouring, you shake the can thoroughly and then spray. Voila! Easy!

Okay, so maybe I'm just not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I chose to use the pink spray on my auburn hair. I was aiming for an almost ombre effect. But as shown in the image, there is literally no colour pay off. It just lightened the ends of my hair into a richer red. After finishing, I figured it was a colour mix match but after looking online at other peoples reviews, many have a similar hair colour and they got a decent pink result. What's occurring? Is my hair just really stubborn or did the spray hate me? Who knows. 



At the time, I was blaming the spray and felt a bitter pang of disappointment, but we went ahead and used the blue on my husband's black hair expecting the worst. Alas, his came out a vibrant blue. "Huh, I thought." must just be the pink that's a fail, so I went ahead and tried the blue on a strand of my hair.. still no takers. 

Now I'm almost positive that my hair was the issue and not the sprays. As pictured below, my husbands was a rich colour that took really well. I washed mine out that very same night, not feeling all too happy about the hairspray feeling it gave. But he decided to deal with the icky feeling to see how well it lasted overnight. What a champ.




Upon sleeping on it, he noticed a slight fading and a smurf-like forehead. One huge negative of these sprays is most definitely the transfer problem. It will get everywhere the entire time it is in your hair. If you so much as tap your fingertips against the sprayed strands, you'll come away with coloured fingers. My hairbrush is now officially a pinky blue colour, and we're lucky that our bed sheets are blue. But they do wash out of your hair pretty easily, so.. yay?



All in all, they're cool if they work on your hair but feel terrible and will transfer all over you. I think the only time you'd find yourself reaching for these would be if you're going to a rave-type setting (totally how cool people would describe that), Halloween, or one of those colour festivals. Otherwise I think they're too much of a faff for the payoff you get.

Have you tried temporary colour sprays? Have any recommendations? Let me know!


This review was all over the place, but I thought it could be interesting and I've now spent too much time writing it up to leave it in the draft folder to gather online dust.

*As stated above, these sprays were gifted to me by Influenster. All opinions are my own.

Gluten Free Banana Bread | RECIPE

4/07/2019









Being a household who tend to purchase bananas with every big grocery shop, we often have a few over-ripped fellas hanging at the bottom of our fruit bowl. And when we aren't freezing them for future smoothies, I make a loaf of banana bread for either my husband or his mother and aunt. It goes down well, and it's really easy. But his father is gluten-free and is often left out of "please take this banana bread!" situations. When I looked online for gluten-free recipes, it was a black hole of different ingredients, things we'd never have in our food cupboard, and odd quantities with negative comments. So I sorta kinda winged it and after one failed attempt, I came up with this recipe which is the closest tasting to the non-gluten-free version I could make. The only difference being the smell as you mix, but who really stands around sniffing the mixing bowl? .. Well, besides me. Apparently.

I N G R E D I E N T S

2 CUPS GLUTEN FREE FLOUR (I use Bob's Red Mill Gluten-Free Flour)
3/4 CUP BROWN SUGAR
2 TSP BAKING SODA
1/2 CUP UNSALTED BUTTER
2 EGGS
2 + 1/2 LARGE BANANAS or 3 MEDIUM (the darker, the better)
1 TSP CINNAMON
1/2 TSP SALT

P R E P:
Preheat oven to 350F/177C/Gas Mark 4

M E T H O D

STEP ONE: Sift your flour into a large mixing bowl, add in your salt, cinnamon, and baking soda. Give it a mix.

STEP TWO: In a different bowl, cream together your brown sugar and butter.

STEP THREE: Into your butter/sugar mixture, stir in your eggs and pieces of banana. Personally, I add the banana with my (CLEAN!) fingertips so that I can squish it into small chunks as I do. It helps make the finished product moister than I think it does when, say, mashing the banana with a fork. But if it grosses you out, go ahead and roughly slice the bananas beforehand.

STEP FOUR: Combine the wet mixture with the dry, stir until you can no longer see lumps of flour.

STEP FIVE: Bake for 45 minutes. Insert a toothpick into the centre of the loaf, if it comes out entirely clean, remove from oven. If not, leave in for an additional 5 mins. 

STEP SIX: Enjoy!



For serving I'd strongly recommend having it with a foamy cup of espresso, but if you tend to find loaf cakes dry, I'd say cover a slice with custard or some yummy chilled ice-cream. For a breakfast option, toast a slice and smoother with creamy peanut butter. If you have a diet (like me) of a 7-year-old cover a slice with a thin amount of cream cheese frosting and indulge.

What your go-to baking item? I'd love to know, and if you'd like a non-gluten-free version of this, just let me know! 


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