posts in
anxiety
I've never been the girl to go up to others and introduce myself. I've never been the first to strike up conversation, nor have I openly asked if someone wanted to hang out. So when I stumbled across the blogging community, it seemed like a fun idea. Interacting with people who are of a somewhat similar age group, who have the same interests, and being able to do it all through the safety of text - a shy persons dream. I started my blog after a trip to Germany to visit my online BFF (See blog posts Germany Part I and Part II for details), so I guess you could say that had given me the dutch (or German) courage to go for it. If I had to come to the decision alone, I would've likely talked myself out of it as I do when it comes to most things that involve putting myself out there. Yeah, as you may of guessed, I'm painfully shy. I nod more than talk in public places and mainly stick to people I know, never really able to push myself out far enough to break out of the "routine". I could go on to explain why I'm probably like this - homeschooling, being my mother's carer, BDD - but that isn't really the point.
Bath Products Used: Lavender Oil. 5 drops.
Songs Listened To: Gabrielle Aplin - English Rain (Full Album)
Minutes Wasted: 30ish.
In less than two months I'm going to turn 21. 2 and 1. 21. Twenty-one. I'm not even worthy of a Taylor Swift song yet. I ought to be freaking out about ageing or something, I know, but instead I've been overcome with panic over how slowly I'm ageing. I'm tired of being in me, in this body, living with this mind. I want to call it quits. Part ways with a handshake. Life is dragging, but instead of dragging forward, like it ought to be, I feel as though it's dragging me down into this tub of water. Blegh.
Okay, that was a heavy first paragraph. I apologise. This possible new segment is meant to be a post cluttered with my bath musings and I'm sometimes overly bleak. Blame my mind, not me. Now there's a line that I need tattooed on me somewhere. To be perfectly honest, I've been foggy lately. My mind, that is. Not me. My mind. Wait, do they have to go together? Because I don't really want that. I sometimes feel like my brain is made up of twins - one is hopeful, dry but giggly, and the other.. well, she just stares blankly into space not really taking anything in. Do I have two people in my mind? Oh lord. Now I have that mental image. Literally. Mental. I hope not. Or do I? See, this is my brain. Half of my thoughts make no sense when I'm like this, and I hate it.
Foggy? You may ask. Yes, I respond, foggy. Like everything is just covered by a thick layer of fog, or dust, and I have to squint just to see the familiar things around me. Nothing really makes sense. Things feel, and look, out of place. My room doesn't look like my room, and I get confused about the feelings that arise in me when I'm around loved ones. I begin to question whether what I feel is what I actually ought to feel, or if I'm making it all up as I go along. It's a mess. My mind is a mess. Again, my mind, not me.
All of this makes no sense to me when I'm having a good day, which could be tomorrow. It could be in a week. But, in this moment, this is how I feel. Maybe that's why I'm "inspired" to start this segment. It's probably going to seem like a mess of a ramble to anyone else, but I don't know, I feel like I owe it to myself to document these things and hopefully, it'll help me in the long run to see how illogical this is. I know it's all illogical. When I'm questioning whether my fiance finds me pretty enough to not stray, or whether my mum wants to spend an evening with me.. I know it's stupid. But it's like my mind can't control itself. Nothing makes sense. Why would they want to love me? I can barely stand my own company. Lie. I can't stand my own company. I keep myself up at night by blasting music into my ears, or reading until words no longer appear like words to me, all to drown out my inner thoughts because they dislike me too. It's a game of pin the thought on Anne's heart and I keep losing.
It's exhausting to live with my mind. I know so many have it worse, and I can't begin to imagine how others manage to live like this daily. My heart goes out to them. At least, it will tomorrow. I hope. Right now, it seems to of got lost in the midst of the fog.
- Anne x
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