A Letter To My Younger Self

12/11/2020

Over the years I've seen many bloggers partake in this kind of blog post. Who doesn't sometimes think about what they'd say if they had the opportunity to speak to their younger self? I was worried it would come across as corny or, frankly, pointless. Yet, whenever someone I follow does a post like this I read it. So, maybe it's just my brain hating on myself again. Do you enjoy blog posts that are on the more personal side? Let me know. 


Dear younger me,

You are currently 13-years-old. You adore Buffy, Charmed, Twilight, GLEE, and have recently discovered the world of social media. You're about to meet your first love, only he'll live a thousand miles away and it'll both build you up and break you down. You're going to meet friends who you will still be speaking to 10 years later, albeit not as often. They'll help you with that all consuming loneliness that has been plaguing you for the past few years. You're going to get a cat this year and it'll change your entire life (there's a lot of cat themed clothing in your future). This will be the first year that you start thinking of your mental health as just that, mental health. Buckle up, it's going to be a hell of a ride.

I remember writing a similar letter to this when I was around your age, only for my future self. I remember us throwing it out one night when we felt like there couldn't be a tomorrow, let alone another 10 years. Do we still feel like this? Sadly, yes. All the time. I wish I could offer some advice towards how to handle your emotions when it feels like there's a dark cloud within you that is about to burst into a full blown storm, but I don't. I still do exactly as you used to.. pretend it's fine. Ridiculous right? All those shows we watched with these people in their early 20's who seem to both have their shit together and are able to talk about their mental health without feeling ashamed or idiotic were lying. I still feel robbed of that part of adulthood - the ease of it all. But we're okay, we manage. We try to still talk about it with online people (you'll find the courage to do that next year and it'll be like you can finally breathe again), but we still haven't found it within us to do it outside of the computer. And you know, maybe that's okay.

Our physical health is worse but hey, when your brain and heart feels like an actual bruise that is bleeding it really makes widespread pain seem like background noise. Yes, we still have uncomfortable humor. Yay us.

Your next 11 years are going to be a whirlwind, but they will have some highs. You'll learn to travel alone, which, I know, seems very impossible when we can't go to the shop alone let alone get on a plane. But friendship makes you do the wacky and have this thing called.. bravery? It's mad, but also wonderful. Do more of that. Visit your friend more. Don't lock yourself into a box without fully taking advantage of having independence first. We've always been all or nothing, but I think we could've benefited from doing more in the middle. You're always going to feel torn between two worlds, two you's, two families.. and it sometimes feels like we broke off somewhere in between and lost ourselves. Being brave but scared of being alone makes us jump into waters that we may not be ready for. It's okay to have breathing room between life changes. 

All in all, you'll eventually grow to become the person that you needed as a child. We'll be fine.

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