Weight Gain | The Roaring Twenties

12/22/2020

 


It's been a hot minute since I did a post for this "blog series". My plans for The Roaring Twenties kinda got flushed down the toilet the moment the pandemic hit, hopefully next year I will be able to accomplish my original plans, however, for today we're discussing one of the most difficult topics that I ever write about.. weight. If you're sensitive to discussions around weight, dieting, or disordered eating, click out now. You're worth more than being triggered, you're beautiful, kind, intelligent, and worthy of more. Go watch some cat videos. 


So, weight. That's a huge topic. Let's talk about my past in relation to body image.


During my teenage years I really struggled with self image, disordered eating, and what was an unhealthy relationship with exercise. I would push my body to the brink of breaking. I wasn't happy unless I was constantly sore and/or hungry. I felt a pang of proudness when my stomach would be cramping from hunger as it made me feel powerful. Looking back, I think I was so desperately on the hunt for control that I took it greedily wherever I could. After all, what do you have more control over than your body? The thing with disordered body image is, even when you might be at the lowest weight you can achieve, you feel like a failure. I was always unhappy when I looked in the mirror, and despite losing a few dress sizes or watching the inches fall away when I routinely measured the width of each limb, I didn't believe any of it. It all felt fictional. I craved more. I wanted happiness and I thought that I would find it in a size 6 dress and visible ribs. Since my younger teen years, I've had BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), I've already written an entire post about there here 'A Distorted Vision: One Girl's Story Of Living With BDD' so I'll try to not repeat myself, but.. yeah. It was tough. And I still look at a dress that fits me just fine but wonder how I'll ever get myself into it. The mental eye is a bitch, basically. 


But alas, this post isn't for talking about my teenage self. This is what happened in my 20's. Buckle up.


So, as you may know, I got married in my 20's. I moved from the UK to California and made a life with my now husband. And, as with any happy relationship, I gained a few lbs. I did notice it gradually adding on, but figured once I knew that I'd be returning to the UK (waiting for a green card is a lengthy process) I'd go on a strict diet and lose the weight. As you may of already figured out, my brain is not very logical. The sad thing is, I maybe went up a dress size. That's it. And yet I felt like I had royally screwed myself over and would be shamed for looking like a blown up whale. When I could finally book a flight, I felt overwhelmed enough that dietary restrictions didn't cross my mind. Sometimes as I lay there at night, I'd remember my pledge and would sneak off to the bathroom to whack out 50-100 squats and pushups. I'd return to bed, and would throb. My body would be screaming and I'd smile. It was honestly a blatant mess. 


Over the past year or so, I've been trying to come to terms with myself. My chest has expanded, my hips have expanded, and I can no longer count my ribs with my fingertips. Hello 20's. I sometimes go on a self shattering scroll through old photos and it's hard to look at photos from my late teens and see the body that I hated back then, but would give anything for now. It's strange, isn't it? How we romanticize the past. I know that as you get older your body matures and my period has been incredibly inconsistent the last few years. Hormones seem to be invading me. It's a mix of everything, basically, and it's overwhelming to look at how much I'd have to change to go back to be.. what? a 34C? To wear the same jeans that fit me now, but that I felt better in back them because I'd have to hike them up every now and again? A body is just a body. I'm conflicted. I wish I had girlfriends who I could discuss things like this with, but instead I have a cat who just rapidly blinks at me and doesn't offer suggestions.


Lockdown has also been very difficult in regards to eating healthy, getting enough exercise, and not allowing my mood to crash to a point of not being able to get out of bed. Blegh. 


I want to put a plan together to feel more comfortable in my body next year, but I'm so afraid that it'll be a slippery slope that I'll fall down and old habits will reservice. My mind is toxic and I don't trust it to protect me from doing idiotic things. Since I was a child, I've been an "all or nothing" kind of person. I struggle in the gray and I know I'll have to dwindle there for a while if I want to lose weight in the correct way. 


All in all, if you're struggling with your weight right now and feel alone in the ongoing battle, I understand you. I had a much unhealthier relationship with food in my teens, but I'm struggling more in my 20's as I feel like I ought to have it figured out by now.



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