Bath Musings Ep.02 || "I'll admit, change scares me."


Bath Products Used: Radox Feel Good Muscle Bath Soak 
Baby Oil. Generous Squirt. 

Songs Listened To: Getaway Car, Lea Michele
Arms, Christina Perri
Intertwined, Dodie Clark
Letting Go, Gabrielle Aplin
Without You, Clare Bowen ft. Sam Palladio
Dreams, Dana Williams ft. Leighton Meester 

Minuted Wasted: 42.

I'm heading toward change. I know it, everyone around me knows it. But I don't know whether I'm entirely ready to embrace it. I kinda want to hide in my bubble and allow everything to sweep past me, I want to be the blurred background of the photograph and not the focused one up front - I'm tired of looking like I'm in focus when I feel everything but. I fly in roughly two weeks to visit my partner for almost three months. I'll be away from home for three months. Those words aren't yet sinking in. The last visit was for five weeks and although I felt perfectly at home there and the time seemed to move far too quickly, I did miss my own home. Or rather, the people there. My mum and Bruno (that'd be my cat for those who don't know. PS: In Grace Helbig Style: "Your life is different now!". Bruno is the best.) I missed watching things with my mum, and having the option of company 24/7 with people I know off by heart. I guess like most people, I missed the homey feeling that comes with your original family home. It's to be expected, right? And I know I'm incredibly lucky to have the option of Skype and Facebook and WhatsApp so I don't feel the distance, but rather know it's there looming it's dreary head. 

I'll admit, change scares me. It isn't the distance or the length of this trip, it's what is going to follow it up. I'm scared that I still won't yet feel ready to pack up my life and send it flying (literally) halfway across the world. Or worse, I'm scared  that everything will fall into place and I'll be ready. I know, I know "Don't look so much into the future. Focus on the now, what you want today." And you're right, hell, it's the advice I'd give to someone who was rambling about this to me. But here's the thing: I'm not sure who I am as a person, so how can I be able to figure out what I want for the rest of my life? I'm so god damn young, and lost. I don't even know what my hobbies are, or what I want to study. I don't know if I want to embrace veganism or simply appreciate from a distance. I don't know whether I want to buy a desk for my room - only, I guess that wouldn't be an option if I'm living 50/50  in two places. God, it's confusing. I keep finding myself wanting to make plans for a few months time with either my partner or mum, and they keep saying "Only you might not be here.". It isn't sinking in, and I don't know whether I want it to. 

I'm foggy a lot and in those moments, I just want to be by myself in a place that I can call mine. I feel like I'm skipping a huge chunk of my life and forwarding the tape. Which is a good thing, I guess, as I'm incredibly lucky and have found someone who I would happily start a family with tomorrow - I get to miss out on the crappy dating moments that most have to deal with. And it isn't even about that, it isn't about either of my loved ones. It's about me. I haven't lived, I really haven't. Me and my mum haven't done half the things we've been talking about since I was a child, but then again, I don't think we ever would of even if I had no escape route. She's a homebody and I feel like I'm going insane if I'm cooped up for days on end. But then on the flip side of that, my partner works a lot and I'd be stuck in the house alone with nowhere in walking distance. Unlike at home (my childhood home), where I can go out into town any time I want and take myself out of the rut. I'm so conflicted, and this post isn't making much sense, is it? My thoughts are seemingly sped up today.

I want my worlds to collide, no matter how selfish that is to say. I feel like I'm debating taking myself out of this rut of a life, and just putting myself in another. Yay, me and my partner wouldn't have to solely rely on Skype for conversations, but then.. me and my mum would. Yay, I wouldn't be building my life and schedule around someone anymore, only, oh yeah, I would. Just another person. Yay, there'd be no more time-zone issues.. Oh wait, yeah. There would. Bloody hell. I wish I could take myself out of this cycle and just plonk me somewhere else - somewhere where the air is easier to breathe. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm both happy and unhappy in either places, for various reasons. And I just want a place where I can find a comfortable middle.

It doesn't help that when I try to verbalise these thoughts, people just assume I'm trying to leave them or say "It'll be hard." No kidding. I just don't think I'm ready for any of this, and it feels like I'm in an "All or Nothing" situation. I don't want to hurt anyone - myself included - but it feels like that's all everyone is asking of me. 

As Buffy would say, I'm cookie dough and I'm not yet done baking. But everyone is trying to eat me. 

- Anne x


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